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Cabin fever and the loss of shyness

Published September 10, 2012 by crazyinpink

(I feel inclined to inform potential readers that the post below is quite graphic. And brutally honest)

T minus one week until I submit my Masters dissertation. One week.  Seven days.

I’m surprisingly calm at the mo.  Although, considering I already had a near-breakdown over my academic future last week maybe I just don’t have any energy to work myself up.

When I handed in my undergrad dissertation, a lovely little 12, 000 word walk in the park compared to this beast, I immediately had to sit a two hour exam.  Then I went home, ate some Chinese food and cried tears of relief that it was all over.  I do believe I then slept for a few days but I don’t remember.

I’ve been confined to my desk since Thursday when I had to go to work.  My boss is being just as annoyingly absent-minded as usual so I have literally no idea when I am next there.  But I had to drag myself out of my room this morning for a doctor’s appointment. Even when the mind is willing, the body still needs regular check-ups.

My operation was about two months ago so I had to go in and get my strings checked.  This is an entirely pointless process whereby they make sure that the Mirena device they implanted in my womb is still there. I had my first Mirena put in when I had my first lap back in 2008.  I duly went for the six week check (my fist ever experience of any kind of internal exam).  Not only could the doctor not feel it and I felt unbelievable discomfort and pain, I also got into my first (and only) crash in the car park as I tried to leave the doctor’s.  Shockingly, it wasn’t even my fault.  You are meant to get the strings checked once a year after that.  I went the first two years.  Both times they still couldn’t feel them or see them and trying to find them made me cry so much that the doctors just left it.

Earlier this year when I started experiencing quite a bit of pain ‘down there’ I thought maybe it had moved or something.  Since there was absolutely no proof that it stayed where it was meant to, the doctor agreed.  I had another exam and still nothing.  Anyway, weeks and a lot of exams later, it turned out it was an abscess.  Were it not for the fact that I hadn’t had a period since January 2008, I would’ve thought they had lied about the whole Mirena thing.

So, having got it replaced during my recent surgery, I had to go in for the string check today.  It made me think of how much has changed since the last time. How much I’ve changed.  While it’s still not my favourite thing in the world and massively uncomfortable, I’ve got so used to internal examinations that I didn’t even feel nervous.  I don’t cry anymore (unless there are scary looking instruments involved) and there is zero shyness now.  So many medical professionals have had to look there that I don’t have a boundary anymore.  I whipped off my leggings and knickers before the doctor had even drawn the wispy little curtain the whole way around the bed.  Why do they even have that curtain? They are going to see you anyway, why let you undress in private one minute then insert things in you the next?

The most remarkable thing was how quickly she found the strings.  She had asked if my last one could be felt by hand and I informed her that it’s existence had never actually been verified. Uh-oh. She readied some unpleasant things just in case her ‘manual’ inspection didn’t work.  Then, to both of our surprises, it was all over! She felt it straight away and everything was grand.

I went over a few other health questions with her.  When you’ve got an appointment with a doctor, you need to really take advantage.  Especially since it takes about 3 weeks to get an appointment over here.  So she inspected a strange lump I’ve had for a few months.  I would be the person who grows cysts on the surface *eyeroll* then we discussed ways to build up my quads.  I dislocated my kneecap in a laundry-related incident about three years ago and was told I’d always have a weakness in that knee but lately it just seems to be getting worse.

Anyway, that was my exciting escape. Oh, I also tried to lodge a cheque in my bank only to be told that it would take six weeks because the amount is in Euros.  The teller informed me of this and added that there’s a small charge for this service.  He asked if I wanted to go ahead.  There’s not much I can really do about it since it is a cheque for me from some Irish association.  I will officially be living off crumbs from now till the end of the month when my measly wages come in.

At least sitting at my desk for the next week won’t cost too much.

Unemployed and unimpressed

Published August 1, 2012 by crazyinpink

I am now, to all intents and purposes, unemployed.  It was only a part time job but I’ve worked there for nearly two years and I’ve always loved my job.

For some reason, I was excluded from the latest rota and when I asked why I was told that there simply isn’t enough work for everyone at the moment.  Last week I begged for some hours but was again refused.  I don’t know what I’ve done wrong to warrant such treatment.  I am far from impressed.

As I’m a ‘glass half full’ kind of girl, I’ve decided to look on the positives.

First of all, I have more time to work on my dissertation.  I sent the first chapter of it in on Monday.  6,000 words.  As unbelievably geeky as it is, I quite enjoy my research and I loved weaving it together to tell a story no one has heard before.

Secondly, I will be okay financially because I know that come September I’ll be bringing in a steady salary with my PhD studentship.  I’ll get paid at the end of August for the few days I worked in July so its only really the end of August and beginning of September which will be tough.  But I’ll cope.  I’ll cut back, no more magazines or fancy coffees.  I’m not going to be a Scrooge or a hermit.  I’ll still hang out with friends doing cheap things, crazy Tuesdays cinema outings with sweets from Poundland, movie nights at my house.  I’ve also taken on another tutoring student so that’s a little bit extra income.  I’ve arranged for my direct debit to be temporarily reduced. And, most impressively, I finally managed to chase up the prize money for an award I won in March but never received the cheque for. So, all things considered, I will manage.

Thirdly, and the most petrifying, I have been forced to do something about my confusing, stalling love life.  The last month or so has been quite bewildering as I’ve found myself in a bizarre love square.  The original situation was that I liked Jam and my friend, Fairy Godmother, liked his friend, Butter.  I am friends with both guys, although I find it easier to talk to Butter.  Then the office was buzzing with the rumour that Butter liked me.  Even Fairy Godmother suggested it.  The week before my operation, Butter invited me to the cinema with him and Jam.  I already had plans but what an awkward situation.  I have grown rather fond of Butter but I have had a crush on Jam for months so I think that I should persue that line of inquiry before even considering what to do about Butter.  I’ve been telling myself that I couldn’t ‘make a move’ on Jam or even hint that I liked him as more than a friend because we work together and it would be awkward if he didn’t feel the same.  That’s not really an issue anymore.   So, last night, after thorough discussion, I texted Jam to tell him that I had some time to kill between researching and meeting some friends to see The Dark Knight Rises on Thursday (tomorrow) and would he fancy meeting up for a coffee or something after work. He hasn’t replied and I don’t feel very confident that it’ll be a positive outcome.  But I think it’s better to find out exactly what is going on with him before addressing the Butter problem.

Finally, recovering from the operation has taken it’s toll on me.  I have been so tired since.  I’ve also been trying to work on my dissertation, though I have been mainly working from home but I now have to go to the archives to get some research done.  One of the wounds has become infected so I’m on antibiotics and takng salt baths daily.  Typical really.  I have such a low immune system, I pick up infections like pennies in the street. It’s not as sore as it was but I think I’m going to have a pretty impressive scar on my belly button when it eventually heals. I’m actually quite relieved I don’t have to worry about 8 hour days in work on top of everything.  There’s a lot whirring round in my brain since the operation and it’s revelations.  I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to sleep (which is normally something I have a natural talent for) because I just can’t shut up my thoughts.  Maybe I should take up Legilimency…