love

All posts tagged love

My ideal man

Published June 11, 2013 by crazyinpink

What I would like my ideal man to be like

A list by crazyinpink expressed through the medium of Benedict Cumberbatch

untitled (21)

 

1. My ideal man is sweet and understanding.

imagesCAK5V486

2. He shares my values and beliefs.

imagesCA4ZZPVD

 

3.  He has passions and interests that make him unique and accepts my passions too.

imagesCALH1C71

 

4. He has get-up-and-go and pursues what he’s after, whether it’s a particular career, a crazy ambition or, you know, world domination.

imagesCA9HKRU2

5. He makes me laugh.

untitled (22)

6. My ideal man, of course, wants children.

imagesCAAG4RJ8

7. He can be serious when he needs to be.

untitled (23)

8. He can also be unbelievably goofy.

untitled (24)

9. He has his flaws but they’re overshadowed by everything else.

untitled (25)

10. He is caring and will always take care of me.

imagesCA81I2J5

 

My Thoughts in Disney Songs

Published March 7, 2013 by crazyinpink

As I always do in tricky situations, I’ve been seeking refuge in my many Disney albums.  And, in that self-obsessed kind of way, a lot of them I found extremely relevant to the thoughts in my head.

Firstly…

 

There may be something there that wasn’t there before.

 

I’ve been silently thinking these things for weeks, maybe even months. Not allowing them to form more than a dream-like ‘what if?’ and never letting myself voice what was going through my head.  Things might have been clearer if I had some Muses singing Gospel songs to me.

Then again, if I could get any Disney character to miraculously appear for a little musical advice, I think I’d want Sebastian.  He could just hide in my office until the next ‘moment’ presents itself and then subliminally guide us…

 

Everything has changed

Published March 5, 2013 by crazyinpink

There’s normally a longer gap between posts but there’s just so much going on in my head at the mo, I need to get it all out. 

My last post covered what happened at the conference. This one will cover what happened between me and Best Friend.

I’ve already talked about our odd kind of friendship and the weird tension that came up about a year ago. With sharing an office and planning the conference, we became even closer.  We spoke every day, spent long days in each other’s company and began to function as one person.

In the run up to the conference, our nerves were frayed. Best Friend became distracted and agitated, he wasn’t eating well and his behaviour was quite manic. I looked after him.  The same way he tries to take care of me when I’m not well. 

In the confines of our tiny little office, Best Friend was touchy feely, often giving me hugs and putting his arm around me. Around others, we didn’t physically touch but there was a constant closeness, in our instinctively doing something together or in our bickering like an old, married couple.  When I came back from sick leave, he kissed me on the cheek. Something which has never happened before. 

I admit that I loved these little signs of affection. I’ve often felt like our friendship meant more to me than to him. He would never say I’m his best friend but everyone knows that I am. The fact that he instigated the little hugs and holding hands, while weird given how socially awkward he is, made my day that he was trying to show me how much he cares. 

And so we get to the weekend.

On Friday, he kept disappearing and returning to the office to give me a cuddle. At one point, we were sitting in our chairs and he went to pat my arm, missed and got my boob instead. To my utter bemusement, he then made a joke about it.  A few hours later, I had changed into a dress for the wine reception and was worried about how big my chest seemed in it. I kept trying to smooth it down while he talked to me. In the end, I asked him if my bra was visible, which really just gave him an excuse to stare at my chest for a while. Voicing my concerns that I looked trampy, he said ‘the trampier the better’…

I didn’t see him much on Saturday and ended up at the opposite end of the dinner.  He had dressed up in a suit and made his speech of thank yous.  I already suspected I might cry, it just seemed to be the mood I was in. After his speech, the tears started to prickle. I made it through the keynote address, sniffing silently at the table. When that was over, I noticed BF make his way to my table. I fled.

I stayed in the toilets for fifteen minutes until Caroline came looking for me. Sobbing onto her shoulder, everything came pouring out. I heard myself blurt out the words I didn’t want to say ‘I think I have feelings for him.’

By the time dessert was over, I had pulled myself together and was mingling like a pro. It would’ve been bad if I had ignored BF so I made sure I spoke to him, even posing for photographs. His arm instantly went around me, the first time he’d showed any sign of affection in public. Later on, he walked Caroline and I back to my car and it was my turn to surprise him with a peck on the cheek.

I dreaded coming into the office on Monday. Would things go back to the way they were before? Would the little cuddles disappear now that we had nothing to stress over? How would I act around him? 

He demanded we talk about Saturday. He, it transpired, was hurt that I didn’t come and sit beside him at the dinner. Both of us expecting the other to be a mind-reader. In that way he has of thinking everything is his fault, he was convinced he had done something to upset me but couldn’t work out what it was. I tried my best to avoid talking about it, not trusting myself. Eventually, I had to tell him that I had been a little hurt by his generalisation of what I did. It was immediately obvious that he had no idea it would come across that way, he thought he was being nice. 

After processing for a while in silence, he took my hand and looked me straight in the eye. He told me that he would never do anything to hurt me, he never wanted to hurt me. We’d never spoken like this before, holding each other’s gazes in the most intense few seconds of my life. Like last year, I briefly wondered if we would kiss. Unlike last year, the thought didn’t terrify me and I didn’t do anything to stop what might happen. We could easily have kissed at that moment. But we didn’t. He put his arm around me, pulling me into him, pushing my head onto his chest. He used his other arm to wrap mine across his stomach and then he just held me there, his head on top of mine, my ear listening to his heartbeat.

Everything has changed.

Birthdays and Sad Times

Published February 24, 2013 by crazyinpink

My re-launch into the world has not gone exactly to plan.  The infection I mentioned in my last post is ugly and the two strong antibiotics I’m on have been messing me about with all kinds of side effects.

Thursday was my birthday and I spent it conference organising and then dining with a bunch of academics.  Then Friday was taken up with a workshop all day and a cinema trip with two of my girlfriends.  I arrived home after midnight to find my mum still awake in the living room.

I instantly knew something was wrong. My mum is always in bed by 11pm at the latest.

I unlocked the front door nervously, fear building up behind my eyes and nose. Tears were already threatening to escape. Seeing the look on my face, she immediately assured me that my grandparents were fine. I am very close to my granny and granddad. She then sat me down to tell me that Gus, our guinea-pig, was gone.

We got Gus, or Gustav, five years ago. I was in my first year of university, my brother was finding it rough being a teenager minus a father. He wanted a pet and my mum agreed that he could have a small one. And so came Gus.

I didn’t really take to him for a while. I’m not a big animal person but his wee personality won me over. He loved music and would squeak and leap about to songs he liked. Anything with a heavy bass beat, however, drove him to burrow into his hay. He became my companion as I am the one at home the most. I would chat away to him, practice my presentations to him, even turning my laptop towards his cage so he could see my powerpoint.

Because we’ve never had a pet before, we didn’t expect it to be so sad when he was gone. He was getting old and we had given him a life full of love and spoilt him rotten. 

He was put own early on Friday morning and, stuck in a workshop, I had no knowledge of him even being sick. Mum considered contacting Best Friend and telling him to look after me but then decided against it. She wanted me to enjoy my time with the girls that night.

Then came the sad news that our past minister’s wife had also passed away. While we aren’t particularly fond of our last minister, seeing how he ignored us after my dad walked out and turned the church against us when divorce was mentioned, his wife was a big part of my teenage years. She taught me how to knit, how to sew, how to do things like make trifle for hundreds of people and arrange flowers as centrepieces. She was practical and motherly in that country farmyard kind of way.

My heart feels full.  My lack of sleep since on the medication isn’t helping matters. I just feel so sad and helpless. Best Friend is continuing to amaze me with his support, understanding why I’m foregoing tomorrow’s meeting to go to the funeral.  With so much happening this week in the run up to our big conference, I’ll be kept busy at least. In the meantime, I’m just clinging on to my faith.

A Digital Fairytale – Part Two

Published December 6, 2012 by crazyinpink

Melody sat, trying to find the words to express this odd flirtationship she was in, but somehow failing.  Her tendency to turn everything into something funny usually worked well.  Her friends always expected gossip and amusing anecdotes about her escapades, usually involving a guy.  But this time, her story-telling was doing her a disservice.  She was giddy and excited about her romance with Edward and yet, scared of being taken in by someone she still hadn’t met.  Instead of being happy for her and encouraging her, the way she wanted them to, her friends seemed confused and assumed she couldn’t have any real feelings for this guy, it was just a bit of fun.  It had started like that.  But since that night they’d heard each other’s voices, her feelings had changed.

Talking on the phone made Ed seem more real.  She knew what he sounded like, the tone of his voice and how he laughed.  It brought all the texts and messages they had shared to life.  She longed to know him in real life, see if their virtual spark translated to reality. 

Edward wasn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination.  She knew that.  He was moody and insecure, needing constant reassurance that she still liked him.  Traits which might have put her off if they belonged to anyone else, but she was still drawn to him.  Still felt that stupid grin spread across her face when she read his latest message. Maybe because they were at a distance, they were being far more honest with each other than was usual.  For Melody at least. 

This honesty came across clearly when Edward confessed his dream of waking up every day next to her.  All he wanted in the world was Melody.  She didn’t quite know how to react to such admissions.  She was never one to initiate talks of feelings and found it difficult to express herself in such situations.  Edward, afraid that he had overstepped the mark, assumed he had scared her off when she didn’t reply straight away.  But she needed time to work out how she felt about him saying such lovely things.

She often needed to take time out from their intense communication, not only to process what was going on in this increasingly bizarre scenario, but also to live her life.  On more than one occasion she had to tell him that she couldn’t be glued to her phone all the time and reassure him that it didn’t mean she had gone off him in any way.

They were talking of visiting each other, Melody’s friends insisting she go to meet him with someone so she wasn’t alone.  She trusted Ed but knew that she had to be smart about this.  The trouble was finding someone willing to go to another country (albeit one only a quick flight away).  During the time she was thinking about this, Ed’s messages began to change slightly.  

He stopped sending hearts and his tone was slightly colder, as if he was pulling away.  Melody, not the best at negotiating relationships, asked him why. Ed had been thinking about the difficulties of a long-distance relationship and how tough it would be if they pursued it.  Melody had thought those thoughts too but had talked herself into the ‘wait and see’ school of thought. But Ed, the more pessimistic of the couple, couldn’t talk himself round.  He said they were kidding themselves that they could have something real.

Melody didn’t know how to feel.  She knew Ed was being rational and she, more than anyone else, appreciated rationality.  On the other hand, she felt a little heart-broken. She had shared a lot with him and had let herself fall head over heels for someone she had never met. Ed had fallen for her too, she knew he had. 

Agreeing to remain friends and text in a platonic, non-committal way, they continued to talk.  Both of them knowing their feelings were too strong to ignore…

 

The Sitcom that is my life

Published November 22, 2012 by crazyinpink

You probably wouldn’t even believe me if I told you what I’d been up to in the last few weeks.  When I tell various friends and amigos they give me that “You’re making this up, right?” look.  But I ain’t.  My life and the lives of those around me have just been so crazy lately that I’m thinking of writing a sitcom based on our experiences.

Here are a few of the subplots of late:

The One with Losing the Big V

A friend of mine sleeps with her boyfriend for the first time.  In fact, her first ever time.  This friend, Bella, decided earlier this year that she needed a man in her life, despite having survived the past 27 years pretty well without one.  Enter the dizzying world of online dating and the various catastrophes associated. A brief relationship ensued only to end after a month because the guy turned out to be a cowardly lion.  Cue depression and endless questioning.  Bella has anxiety issues and last year had a breakdown.  After a grieving period, she threw herself back into online dating, texting numerous guys simultaneously and generally behaving quite erratically.  We watched nervously, waiting to swoop in and rescue as she became glued to her phone, having combustive text arguments with a guy she hadn’t even met. Then, suddenly, one came along who wanted to be her boyfriend.  Things were obviously moving fast as a week after they first met, Bella asked me for tips on oral sex (no idea why she came to me as I have never partaken). But it was still a surprise plot twist when, meeting for our regular weekly coffee, she announced that she had slept with him.  And was not handling it well. At all.

The One with the Bisexual Boyfriend

As if the Bella storyline wasn’t enough, another friend had drama of her own when she returned from a holiday to discover that her boyfriend had multiple dating profiles on gay sites, actively looking for hook-ups.  Ellie had met her boyfriend through the choir that we both sing in.  He made it obvious one night at a concert that he was interested and relentlessly pursued her through facebook til she agreed to have coffee.  Soon enough they were facebook official.  Ellie wasn’t completely head over heels but figured that she would give him a chance.  He, on the other hand, was overly keen, lavishing presents for their one month anniversary and talking about hotels for wedding receptions. Ellie went away on holiday and decided that she just didn’t feel that way about him.  Before she could actually meet him to break up, a gay friend of hers admitted that he had found her boyfriend on a dating site. Not believing it, she looked for herself and found at least five different sites belonging to him with various degrees of detail and pictures of an inappropriate nature. Completely shocked, she turned to me.  I then had two women reeling from their love lives.

The One with the Office Politics

Sharing an office with your best friend might sound like a dream but in reality, it is anything but.  Settling in to life as a PhD student is tricky and it is only made more difficult when you share an office with someone as bewildering as my Best Friend. It has only been a month but we’ve already had our fair share of ups and downs.

Scene One: I get told off by Best Friend for not attending research seminars often enough and then get a second lecture by grumpy PhD guy who doesn’t like me.  I leave for the research seminar half an hour early although it is literally across the road.  BF questions this and I tell him that I need to get a seat in the back so I can fidget. “Don’t fidget then” I have to, those seats are so uncomfortable and hurt my back. “But your back seems fine now” Yes, but sitting in those chairs for an hour and a half will make it sore. “You’re so over-dramatic.  I think you just decide when to be sore so you can get out of things.” *exit scene before I punch him, followed by hour and a half seminar during which I say all of zero words to him*

Scene Two: I enter the office Monday morning after a meeting. I see BF has already been and left his stuff in. On my desk lies a paper bag with a post-it on top. It’s from BF. Inside the bag are two yummy buns from the bakery, something nice for me because I am always doing nice things for him. BF returns about an hour or so later, by which point I am sitting on the floor as it is more comfortable than my chair.  He chats away merrily, occasionally dropping on the floor himself to tell me things. After a while I get up and stretch, hands on my back.  BF is watching me and asks why I stand like that sometimes. When I explain that I stand like that (the way pregnant women stand supporting themselves) because it helps, he scoots over in his chair and starts rubbing my back.  He says that he has seen men on tv do this when their pregnant wives are in pain and asks does it help. I cannot even register if it does help as I can only think bout the fact that his hands are on my lower back, my very low back, dangerously close to my posterior. The rest of the day is filled with touchy-feely gestures, hand holding and hugs from him as I remain utterly bemused and start wondering if he’s done a Dr Jekyll-type experiment.

 

I could go on but I really need to practise my paper for the conference tomorrow. Oh yes, I still have to function as a normal PhD student in the midst of my drama-filled life.

No new storylines are allowed to happen until after this weekend.

A digital fairytale?

Published November 20, 2012 by crazyinpink

Once upon a time, there lived an relatively ordinary girl.  Her name was Melody and, although not blessed with the technology gene, she did have a soft spot for the world of Twitter.  She joined the twittersphere long before other people she knew in real life and became quite addicted to tweeting amusing comments, sharing her opinions on her favourite TV shows and posting pictures of new additions to her shoe collection.

One day, while watching a particular favourite crime show, Melody tweeted and retweeted lines from the show.  It amused her to feel like she was watching with a whole room full of people and their opinions rather than on her own, in her pyjamas.

One tweet was particularly funny and after retweeting it, Melody curiously looked through the rest of the user’s tweets and deeming them equally amusing, followed him.  Barely a minute had passed when the tweeter struck up a conversation with her, first about the show they were both watching but then turning into a general chat. Melody was flattered by the interest and attention and kept the conversation going until she went to bed.  Earlier that day, she had bumped into her crush and the experience had left her certainly feeling crushed herself.

The next morning, the mysterious tweeter of the night before began chatting once more.  He was called Edward and was the same age as Melody with similar interests and tastes.  She enjoyed talking to him and smiled when she heard the familiar ping of a new message. It wasn’t long until they switched to private messages, getting to know each other and asking questions.  Edward seemed so charming and sweet, saying that he was pleased Melody had retweeted him because he enjoyed talking to her.  He asked if they could be facebook friends and Melody agreed.  She was intrigued and wanted to know more about him.

Soon enough, Edward asked for her number.  It had been quite a while since a guy had asked for her number, Melody thought.  He began texting her every day, being equally cute, dorky and ridiculous in his messages.  She found herself confiding in him and being much more confident by text than she was in real life.

After a month of texting, Edward and Melody knew each other pretty well and decided that it was time for them to talk on the phone.  Both being quite shy, the conversation was hesitant at first but they quickly began talking like old friends.  Both of them were on facebook at the same time and, in the middle of telling Edward a story, Melody heard her laptop pop. Looking at her screen, she read a message from him saying how much he loved her voice.  She couldn’t help but grin at the cheesiness of it.  The phone call lasted an hour before they said goodbye.  It wasn’t really goodbye as Edward continued to send Melody facebook messages confessing how he felt about her.

Melody could hardly believe her eyes as Edward admitted that he was falling for her and wanted her to be his girlfriend.

Her tummy felt full of helium and also, kind of like she was on a rollercoaster.  She stared at the screen not knowing what to do.

She was torn for a number of reasons.  On one hand, she really liked Edward, loved talking to him every day and he was totally her type.  Had they met in real life, she was nearly sure she would have agreed to date him.  On the other hand, she didn’t want to be another story about being duped by someone on the internet.  She had to be smart and realise that until she met him, her feelings weren’t real.  She was falling for the idea of him and not the reality.  Equally, she knew that he was falling for the her that she wanted him to see.  There were things that they disagreed on, fundamental parts of life like what they believed.  Were those differences too great to be ignored because of some charming words and a cute personality?  These thoughts rushed through her head as she blinked, confuddled, at facebook.

Edward, as he did when saying something risky, tried to brush it off as a joke, something silly.  But Melody knew how he really felt.  She also knew how she felt in return.  In spite of everything, she knew she was crazy about him. There was just one problem…he lived in a different country.