crush

All posts tagged crush

Skipping in public

Published August 22, 2012 by crazyinpink

Yesterday, I had an after-work thing with Butter.  It was quite unexpected.  It wasn’t a date or anything but I was so giddy afterwards that I actually skipped for a bit.  In public. 

I don’t know what came over me but on a random trip to the kitchen, I stopped by Butter’s desk and mentioned that I had a few hours to kill after work.  I asked him if he was free to go for a coffee or something.  A momentary flicker of surprise crossed his face.  He quickly said yes and invited me to come round to his since he lives near work.  It was at this point that I realised what I had said.

Now, back in my Jam phase, I used to agonise for hours over how to casually suggest a casual cup of coffee with him.  Casually, of course. I spent 9 to 5 planning what to say, practising how I was going to say it.  I never worked up the nerve to actually do it.  When I eventually asked by text, I got a polite brush off.

Yet, there I was.  Only days after I stayed late at work on Friday afternoon just to keep Butter company as he waited for a package to be delivered.  I loitered and chatted for more than half an hour after everyone else had escaped to the pub.  It was great to be on our own and not be constantly interrupted. Somewhere in the midst of our conversation he gave me his phone number.

Yesterday afternoon passed in a state of anticipation.  I was simultaneously impressed by my own spontaneity, excited about hanging out with him away from the office and anxious about how awkward it could be to go to his house.  We would have to walk there with Jam to the house where they both live. Was it going to be just the two of us? Or would we be in a strange ‘friendzone’ trio?

In reality, I needn’t have worried.  At the last minute, a technical issue meant most of my team had to stay late to rectify it. That meant Jam.  So, Butter and I set off together.  We had a pleasant walk out of work, chatting away.  I pointed out a milkshake place I had been to a few weeks ago with a nearby gym that had a balcony.  It had proved quite hilarious to sit and drink milkshakes while watching poor souls lunge and squat just across the street.  He suggested we go there. 

I went on ahead as he popped into his house, literally a stone’s throw from said milkshake place. He, for some inexplicable reason, got changed.  We sat for over an hour talking.  It was really nice and really easy. There were a few quiet moments, mainly when we were both too interested in our milkshakes but it didn’t feel awkward.  It was great.  When we parted, I had to go to a friend’s, he was going to football, I contemplated hugging him.  I didn’t, a huge group of people on their way to a gig came at us at that precise moment. 

I walked slowly back to my car.  I was grinning to myself and had that giddy feeling I haven’t felt in a long time. It wasn’t a date but it was the closest I’ve had in a while. Caught up in my own head, I forgot myself and skipped a few paces. My phone beeped. Still, grinning I checked it, assuming it was my friend I had been texting earlier.

It was a tweet from my Fairy Godmother. Thanking me for covering her shift in work and saying I was such an awesome friend.

Tiny bubbles of guilt fizzed in my giddiness. I haven’t spoken to her about this whole thing yet. Nothing had happened between Butter and I. But I still felt guilty.  I had asked him on a pre-date. Surely that’s a violation of the code of sisterhood. She told me a week ago that she was over him. She still has no idea of the feelings I’ve realised I have. I’m seeing her on Friday and asked if we could meet up before the scheduled event (a treasure hunt) to catch-up.  I have to tell her how I feel. Nothing can happen until I do. Nothing might happen anyway. I just have a feeling… Our paths haven’t crossed much in work today but I caught him glancing at me repeatedly while talking to someone a few desks away. Daydreaming early, I imagined how our goodbye might have been if I had just hugged him.

The giddiness is back. I just need it to de-carbonise.  

When to give up on a crush

Published August 8, 2012 by crazyinpink

I can’t believe I’m even thinking this but I’ve been mulling it over in my head for the last few days.  I think it might be time to call it a day and let the sun go down on my flirtationship with Jam.

Last week, I asked him out for coffee.  He had to work late that night and so asked if we could reschedule for this week instead.  I managed to wear down my boss by constantly annoying him and wangled my way into getting a couple of hours of work. (Result!)  I saw Jam on Monday for a few hours and I’m currently sitting facing him but nothing has been mentioned about it.

I think the fog-crush has lifted a bit. I’m beginning to think that maybe all those little things that he’s said or done that I got excited about haven’t been signs that he liked me at all.  He is a really nice guy and he is positively lovely to everyone so him being so nice to me perhaps wasn’t such a big deal.  

And anyway, since my return to work someone else has been a lot nicer.

Butter instantly asked me how I am after surgery and, although he doesn’t know the technical details of my health problems, was asking me all sorts of questions about what happened and my future treatment.  In my experience, its only ever my closest friends that care enough to ask in-depth questions because they want to try to understand what you’re going through.  The fact that he had picked up on little things I’d mentioned on ‘bad days’ and was genuinely concerned when I had a ‘really bad, nearly ended up in hospital, mascara all down my face’ day, really surprised me.  No one in work has ever really strayed into the sticky subject. Except, of course, my Fairy Godmother.

Ah. The Fairy Godmother element. I could never be the girl who goes for a guy her friend has a thing for. I don’t even know if I necessarily want to pursue this intriguing new aspect of my love life. The rumours are rife that Butter is fond of me and there was that time he asked me to come with him and Jam to the cinema. I didn’t know what, if anything, I wanted from him. Then last night, after a weird date with Lucius that involved a moonlit walk singing Disney duets, I dreamt about Butter. The details are hazy but we were definitely together and I was really happy.

Dreams, of course, don’t mean anything…though, my first boyfriend when I was 15 was the result of me having a dream about him, telling a friend who then gave him my number. I came into work this morning in a new dress I’ve only worn once before. I told myself it was to distract from the fact that my hair needs washed.  But I had a jittery anticipation in my tummy.  I really wanted to look pretty today. Then, Jam arrived and greeted me.  I realised that the jitteryness was still there. Before I really digested this, I heard that Butter is off sick today and I felt a wave of disappointment crash over me.

Now I’m trying to work out exactly what is going on in my Tramadol-filled head.

Yesterday, I considered drawing a line under the Jam episode and start trying to move on.  Last night I had a great evening with a friend and even noted when he kissed me goodnight how easier things would be if I had feelings for him.  During the night, I dreamt about another guy and woke up happy.  Today, I just don’t know anything.

The Crush

Published June 11, 2012 by crazyinpink

So, it may have escaped your notice but I have a massive crush on a guy I know, Jam.

Today is his birthday. I left a ‘Happy Birthday!’ comment on his facebook before coming into work. Now, Jam and I have slowly cultivated our friendship during end-of-the-day conversations as we leave the office. The last few weeks we haven’t had very many due to different circumstances cropping up.  Today, I have a hospital appointment so I’m leaving work early. I was marginally disappointed about this as today would have been the perfect opportunity for a really good convo.

BUT!

This morning as I signed in (beside his desk, where I sign out and he normally turns around for our chat) he turned round and went to say something. Then didn’t a woman from another department come over to talk to me about something. When I escaped the conversation, he was sitting waiting to talk to me. We had a really good chat for about 10 minutes, talking about our weekends and me wishing him happy birthday of course. I asked if he was doing anything fun and he said, not really, he never does. 😦

Near the end of our convo I said he really should do something for it and he said that he thinks he might go to crazy golf. To my knowledge there only is one decent crazy golf place in the greater Belfast area so I asked if it was there he was going.  He said yes but he’d only decided this morning so he didn’t know how many people would turn up. I said, well you’ll have fun anyway, I love that place and went to leave. He stopped me and invited me to come if I was free tonight! He told me the time but said it might be a bit random because he wasn’t very organised. I said I’d see what was happening later and I might facebook him about it.

 

After texting my Fairy Godmother and being informed that I’m pretty much home alone again tonight, I’ve decided that I’m going to go. I think…

I’m worried that it might be a bit random if I turn up, though I know that a guy from the office he went to school with is going so I’ll know someone else. And maybe he was just being polite inviting me but not expecting me to come.

On the other hand, its a great opportunity to hang out with him outside work and meet his friends. Maybe it could lead to a better friendship. I’m so confused!

I’m about 80% sure I’m going…

…to be continued.