I’m writing this while wearing jeans that actually fit me! In the grand scheme of things, I know that it isn’t such a big deal, people wear jeans all the time. But I haven’t worn jeans in four years. Jeans that actually fit me and aren’t my old ‘fat’ jeans which are two sizes too big and just hang around my hips. Every time I walk past the mirror, I stop to look at myself. I’m nothing special to look at but wearing clothes that fit me properly makes me look totally different from my usual wardrobe of loose, comfortable skirts and dresses. I can’t help but smile.
I ventured into a clothes shop the other day after picking up a mouth guard from the dentist at a ridiculously early time (turns out I’m a teeth grinder, who knew?). Not surprisingly, there are few people in shops at 9.15am. I didn’t go in for anything in particular, I just figured that I’d got up and dressed so early, I may as well do something else before going home again. Immediately I found myself looking at long, floaty dresses, automatically testing the fabric to see how giving it was.
Then I stopped myself. Maybe I didn’t need to continue to buy the same kind of clothes. I’m not in as much pain now after the op, I even wore jeans for eight hours straight last week. I ventured into a section of the shop I don’t think I’d ever visited before. Shirts, tops, even *gasp* trousers!! Having lived with pelvic and abdominal pain for so long, I had forgotten that these clothes were an option. Most of my wardrobe, about 90%, consists of dresses of varying styles and fabrics which I wear with ever-forgiving leggings. Last week when I decided to give the jeans a whirl, jeans which I bought in a mad bought of optimism before last July’s operation, I realised how few tops I own. I have t-shirts, mostly novelty ones I wear around the house or with the afore-mentioned ‘fat’ jeans. I had two nice tops which come out about twice a year or so for special occasions.
Don’t get me wrong, my wardrobe is far from boring. It might be restrictive compared to normal people but I still use clothes to express myself. I wear impossibly bright colours and quirky prints. I accessorize like Gok Wan and have a shoe collection that would rival Carrie Bradshaw’s. But walking around that shop the other day, I felt a little thrill I haven’t felt in a long time. I could buy clothes based on how they looked on me, I didn’t need to obsess as much about how clingy the fabric was, how loose it would be around my tummy, whether it would be comfortable enough for long days working in libraries. It was oddly freeing. And terrifying. Would I be tempting fate if I bought myself a new, healthy wardrobe instead of the chronic one I’ve been sporting for years?
In the end, I compromised. I bought a dress which had a 1920s vibe with a gorgeous flowing skirt and a pink and orange check fitted shirt. I can’t wait for the weather to get a little warmer so I can wear it with my jeans and shock everyone with clothes that actually show my shape!