I can’t believe I’m even thinking this but I’ve been mulling it over in my head for the last few days. I think it might be time to call it a day and let the sun go down on my flirtationship with Jam.
Last week, I asked him out for coffee. He had to work late that night and so asked if we could reschedule for this week instead. I managed to wear down my boss by constantly annoying him and wangled my way into getting a couple of hours of work. (Result!) I saw Jam on Monday for a few hours and I’m currently sitting facing him but nothing has been mentioned about it.
I think the fog-crush has lifted a bit. I’m beginning to think that maybe all those little things that he’s said or done that I got excited about haven’t been signs that he liked me at all. He is a really nice guy and he is positively lovely to everyone so him being so nice to me perhaps wasn’t such a big deal.
And anyway, since my return to work someone else has been a lot nicer.
Butter instantly asked me how I am after surgery and, although he doesn’t know the technical details of my health problems, was asking me all sorts of questions about what happened and my future treatment. In my experience, its only ever my closest friends that care enough to ask in-depth questions because they want to try to understand what you’re going through. The fact that he had picked up on little things I’d mentioned on ‘bad days’ and was genuinely concerned when I had a ‘really bad, nearly ended up in hospital, mascara all down my face’ day, really surprised me. No one in work has ever really strayed into the sticky subject. Except, of course, my Fairy Godmother.
Ah. The Fairy Godmother element. I could never be the girl who goes for a guy her friend has a thing for. I don’t even know if I necessarily want to pursue this intriguing new aspect of my love life. The rumours are rife that Butter is fond of me and there was that time he asked me to come with him and Jam to the cinema. I didn’t know what, if anything, I wanted from him. Then last night, after a weird date with Lucius that involved a moonlit walk singing Disney duets, I dreamt about Butter. The details are hazy but we were definitely together and I was really happy.
Dreams, of course, don’t mean anything…though, my first boyfriend when I was 15 was the result of me having a dream about him, telling a friend who then gave him my number. I came into work this morning in a new dress I’ve only worn once before. I told myself it was to distract from the fact that my hair needs washed. But I had a jittery anticipation in my tummy. I really wanted to look pretty today. Then, Jam arrived and greeted me. I realised that the jitteryness was still there. Before I really digested this, I heard that Butter is off sick today and I felt a wave of disappointment crash over me.
Now I’m trying to work out exactly what is going on in my Tramadol-filled head.
Yesterday, I considered drawing a line under the Jam episode and start trying to move on. Last night I had a great evening with a friend and even noted when he kissed me goodnight how easier things would be if I had feelings for him. During the night, I dreamt about another guy and woke up happy. Today, I just don’t know anything.