As seems to be the way of it lately, I had a lot of boy news for my workmate (and Fairy Godmother) after the weekend.
I had gone to the barn dance at church on Saturday night. My first dance partner was a five year old boy, then a man in his 40s and his girlfriend dragged me up for a trio dance. Although a group of us were there, the rest mysteriously disappeared when the dancing started, leaving me and Dan, an extremely quiet guy around my age. There were high hopes for me and Dan to get together when the young adults group started about two years ago, but I was just starting my romance with Mickey at the time. Anyway, after both of us being pulled up by random people, we decided to be dance partners.
The first time we went to awkwardly hold hands, there was a tiny electric shock. We pulled back and I laughed nervously, suddenly struck by how brown his eyes were. We learned the dance and as we waited for the next instructions we kept holding hands, even though no other couples seemed to be. The two of us swung around, held hands, promenaded and all the rest for the next few songs before taking a break, walking back to our seats still (yup, you guessed it) holding hands. Dan is a nice guy, the quietest guy I’ve ever known. I used to think he just didn’t like me as he never really spoke to me then I caught him smiling to himself at all the stupid things I say and realised that he had a wee twinkle in his eye and seemed to be the only one with my sense of humour.
We spent the rest of the evening either sitting talking or dancing together. When the others eventually returned they were all winking and grinning at us. I’m not entirely sure of what was happening.
But wait. I like Jam, don’t I?
This was essentially what prompted the discussion with my Fairy Godmother. I know that I like Jam (butterflies don’t lie) but then there are all these other guys that keep coming in and out of focus. On Monday evening we continued talking about all the men and how I felt.
In an uncharacteristic move, I found myself saying that I think I’m ready for a serious relationship. I’ve always been a bit Chandler-esque about committment in the past, loving the chase but not the couply phase. Now I think I’d quite like to see what a long-term relationship would be like. It’s just finding someone to have that with.
I worry sometimes about finding someone who can handle me. I’ve never been ‘normal’ and I don’t know how to be the perfect girlfriend. I don’t necessarily need a boyfriend, there are too many girls like that, I’m happy enough being single. I know who I am and I know what I want from life, if I get married then great but it’s not the only goal I want to achieve. I would love to have kids but I know that with two diseases festering in my woman parts, that might be difficult if not impossible. How do you go into a relationship with that knowledge? Holding a bomb and deciding when to detonate it. Too soon and you could scare the guy off. Too late and you might be too invested in the relationship. Even besides the whole baby business, my condition, my treatments, my lifestyle. It’s taken me three years to come to terms with it. I found out that some friends just couldn’t. I’ve yet to find a guy who could. Someone who would understand and take care of me when I need taken care of.
I spilled my guts to my Fairy G and she said she hopes I get that relationship and how great would it be if I found it with Jam. Then she said that if I find it with Butter (Jam’s friend and housemate upon whom she has a bit of a crush) then I have her blessing. I found this strange but she said she had a feeling that something might develop there. As if I wasn’t already confused enough.